Pain In The Ass
by Sasukeluva 4eva
Summary: Sexy, horny older brother plus chronic diarrhoea equals one giant pain in the ass for Uchiha Sasuke. Shounen-ai/Uchihacest! For Sasuke-kun's Birthday! CRACK ONESHOT; Please Read & Review!


**P**a_i_**n** I_n_ **T**h_e _**A**s_s_

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_**Summary:**__  
Sexy, horny older brother plus chronic diarrhoea equals one giant pain in the ass for Uchiha Sasuke. Shounen-ai/Uchihacest_

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**Rating: **M (For implied/suggested innuendos/situations/lime)

**Categories: **Humour/Fluff/Romance/PURE CRACK

**Characters: **Uchiha Sasuke x Uchiha Itachi

**Author's Note:** Based off of my current situation... Minus the anal sex. And the sexy (no Sasuke = D:). -_-

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_**HAPPY BIRTHDAY SASUKE-KUN!**_(。・д・)ノ ⌒ 【祝】 ⌒ ヾ(・д・。)

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"No, Itachi."

It felt like he had been reiterating the same point endlessly, without falter, for hours; when in reality, it couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

Uchiha Sasuke was a man of many irredeemable qualities; he was rude, discourteous to ignorant behemoths and kindly strangers alike, foul mouthed with a volatile temper to boot, and had the patience of an ill-tempered bull.

He knew these well, could identify them easily within himself, without the need to be informed of these flaws by uncouth, idiotic bystanders who knew nothing of him.

Sasuke was a man of strict discipline, irrespective of the aforementioned faults, and he had far higher expectations of those he chose to associate with; even more so when that person happened to live under the same roof as him.

Expectations that, unfortunately, led to many a disappointment in the raven haired teenager's eyes, for so few had ever truly lived up to them.

Even the previously mentioned roomy upon which he had spent his entire life growing up next to could not for the life of him adhere to the set of conditions that Sasuke had established for his own peace of mind (sanity would be the appropriate word, but he would not belittle his own self-worth by degrading himself to that level of commonality).

It wasn't as if his beloved older brother was inadequate in any sense of the word; not at all! In fact, he was the epitome of all that could be defined as 'perfect', with his long shiny locks of brown, his burgundy eyes (so sinfully gorgeous that whenever he met with their infinite depths, he could feel his every cell freeze at the sudden onslaught of unadulterated beauty that plagued his senses), framed with endlessly long, sooty eyelashes that caused entrapment with a single flickering glance, his unmarred skin, smoother than alabaster and creamier than the richest ivory velvet, and the solid ridges, dips and planes that made up the entirety of his beautiful, beautiful body.

No, his physical perfection went unmatched, without equal.

And there were many a trait about his personality, his character, that Sasuke adored above all else.

His unwavering kindness, his unfathomable loyalty, his loving, nurturing nature; the general tenderness of his heart.

All of these Sasuke loved; it was what made Itachi who he was, and he would never wish for that to change.

But there were some aspects of his dear older brother that he wished to smite to the very pits of Lucifer's realm itself, like his annoying tendency to make himself out to be the superior of the two (regardless of their respective roles in the bedroom), his grating habit of openly mocking him for the most outlandish things ("Aw, can't put it in all the way, foolish little brother?" and "Here I thought you were a renowned sex god; you can't even seem to reach my prostate! You must be smaller than I gave you credit for!"), and his _despised_ tendency to ask for sex when Sasuke was obviously not in the mood for it.

Now don't get him mixed up with the typical frigid youths who only have sex to prove a solid point; he had a healthy libido, and a drive for sex that was only rivalled by his elder sibling, and he enjoyed such occasions whenever they were presented to him with much fervour, but tonight was one of those nights where any form if physical contact was _loathed_ with a fiery passion that could outdo Satan himself.

For the past week and a half, Sasuke had been down with a horrific stomach bug, one which had started off with him spewing up his guts into the closest object that shared a vague semblance to a toilet, and fevers in excess of forty degrees Celsius.

Just when he thought that his sickness had simmered down (and he could go back to school to catch up on the work that he had missed being absent and promptly vacating his internal organs into every open dish and bucket possible), he came down with a chronic case of the runs; of all of the detested things that could have occurred to him, this had to be the absolute worst of the lot. His ass was constantly on fire, like an un-lubricated police baton covered in sharp metal spikes had been forcefully rammed up his dry hole, and he was on ceaseless red-alert for any signs of him potentially shitting his own pants, in the instance that he could not make it to the toilet in time for the inevitable waterfall of crap that was about to spew from his ass hole like running tap water to be contained within porcelain walls (at this stage in time, Sasuke had become well acquainted with the toilet seat, and they had forged a not so solid friendship, considering that nothing remotely 'solid' had vacated his body of late).

He had painful cramps in his stomach that warned him of aforementioned pant-shitting almost twenty-four seven, and he felt as if he would cave in on himself if he had to excrete any more waste from his thoroughly exhausted physique, so it was only fair that he wished for rest from particular _extramural activities_.

It was at this metaphorical fork in the road that Sasuke had become so irate in the first place, for Itachi was invested in pissing the younger Uchiha off by whining for intercourse, saying that he could not hold his longing for him in any longer, and Sasuke was neither in the mood to give or receive any form of intrusive appendages (whether within his extremely inflamed rear-opening, or having to put his own dick anywhere but inside his own cotton pyjama bottoms; he just was not in the mood to fuck or be fucked), let alone _attempt_ to achieve any form of orgasm in his state.

So he refused, and it became very apparent that petulant and oh so very fucking _stubborn_ Uchiha Itachi was _not_ going to take no for an answer.

Thus leading to the present time, where Itachi was adamant in getting something out of his week's celibacy (no one but Sasuke would be good enough for him now), with little results to show for his efforts of persuasion.

"Sasuke, _please_."

Oh god, how fucking _annoying_ could he _possibly_ get?

It was so out of the norm for the usually stoic man to be so fucking _shrill_, but he was resorting to everything within his arsenal in order to get some, so anything went at this point, as long as he could at least receive some form of release.

"Again; _no_, Itachi! God, just _fuck off_! I'm _not_ in the mood for your bullshit."

A moment's silence, before a hand lazily trailed down his tense thigh, the thin sheets of his bed hardly doing anything to defend him from the invasive touch.

Sasuke simply swatted the offending appendage away, before settling further away from the heat of his brother's body, pulling the sheets up to his shoulder and rolling onto the side that faced away from the pestering elder behind him.

Itachi was far from perturbed, as he sidled his way over to the rigid frame opposite him, a small smirk on his plush lips as his heated gaze rested upon his tenacious brother's turned back—more specifically the area upon which his delicious backside was presumed to be.

He could empathise with his situation, but honestly, there was only so much masturbating that he could do before it became too mundane and dissatisfying to be pursued further, and so now he was more than eager to jump into his precious baby brother's pants, irrespective of his current disposition.

Besides, Itachi thought with a smug look to the back of Sasuke's head, he could always find more pleasurable alternatives that wouldn't lead to the raven haired adolescent bitching and griping at him for trying to molest him.

"Come _on_, Sasuke! At least let me help you feel better."

At that, Itachi trailed a bold finger down the centre of Sasuke's bare back, down his spinal cord, until he reached the dip that led to the plentiful bottom beneath his loose, hip-fitting pyjama pants.

Sasuke shuddered, hair rising to pinpricks on his exposed skin. His taut muscles loosened, flexing infinitesimally, before springing together like a piglet's tail, joints once again inflexible as he swiped at the elder man's pesky hand, his dark eyes narrowed at the closed door of his bedroom.

Their mother and father were once again away on what they described as "important business", but the boys knew better; it was their lame excuse to get away and screw each other's brains out, for they had so very little opportunity to do so whilst at home with two adolescent males (one of which already being a legitimate adult, but he was still their baby never the less, and sex wouldn't become less awkward in spite of that fact; and despite the fact that he was supposed to be taking care of him like their mother had requested coughthreatenedcough, he was _hardly_ doing the responsible 'adult' task), leaving Sasuke alone to contend with his very sexy, horny older brother.

His very sexy, horny older brother who was scarcely taking any form of consideration whatsoever to Sasuke's case of chronic diarrhoea, and was instead thinking with his dick rather than his brain.

Jesus, he was so _beyond_ fucked!

"Itachi! Enough! Leave me alone, goddammit!"

In response, a playful flick to his now pert nipple (how his hand slipped over his broad frame without him even noticing escaped him, but he found that he couldn't really mind it all that much). Sasuke flinched away from the touch, but that did not deter the determined Uchiha, who simply hooked his leg over Sasuke's hip, tugging him back towards him, pressing his soft, very pained ass to the throbbing tent in his sweatpants.

A profound stinging tore up to Sasuke's abdomen at the contact, the makings of cramps making themselves apparent, but he soon lost all room for thought when one of Itachi's wandering hands trailed the tense section that was his lower back, limber fingers kneading into the aching muscles until he felt his entire frame relax with the tender massage.

Sasuke's eyes rolled to a close, his senses far more acute with the lack of sight; the caresses became far more pronounced, the remaining hand drawing feather-light circles upon his toned shoulder blades; the position was uncomfortable and difficult to maintain (as Itachi was lying on the arm that was idly tracing the contours of Sasuke's back), but the elder male persevered, the ticklish aspect of his strokes eliciting a quiet, encouraging moan from the younger teen's lips.

All of his muscles were now completely lax; his head lolling back to rest against the hollow of Itachi's neck.

Said man wrapped the arm that had been tracing Sasuke's shoulders around his waist, fingers toying with the hem of his baggy cotton pants as he inhaled the faint scent upon the crown of Sasuke's head. Mint and green tea—a delicious combination that was coating the youth's ivory skin as well.

God had he missed this smell!

Sasuke had all but forgotten his previous resentment towards Itachi's unflinching, boldfaced attempts at sexual inducement, his entire figure now pressed comfortably (with the exception of the hard bulge digging into his inflamed rear) against his beloved brother's safekeeping physique, arms folded parallel to his body and tucked unceremoniously underneath his head.

Itachi's impromptu massage had yet to cease, and whilst Sasuke was preoccupied with the delightful feel of those very fingers moulding his flesh and muscles to blissful nirvana, the other hand that had been playing with the edging of his pyjama bottoms carefully slipped beneath the flimsy material, to be met with coarse pubic hair.

Ah, so he had neglected to put on any underwear; all the more convenient, he thought with a lecherous grin.

Sasuke went rigid when he felt Itachi's cold fingertips ghosting along the length of his flaccid member, tracing over all of the pleasure-inducing ridges and veins until it rose in appreciation, hardening until it was only what one would describe as a 'semi'.

That worked just as well for Itachi, who dragged his fickle fingers down to the head of his engorged penis, manicured nails scraping lightly over the small slit until small beads of semen seeped from the opening.

The impression of his faint touch was removed from the flushed tip, tickling down to the base with some of the remnant ejaculate fluids, creating a wet trail that did nothing to cool the raging warmth that the solid length was radiating.

Sasuke winced to accompany the twitch that ripped through his cock, his body amidst relaxing whilst Itachi continued to rub the tender area above his ass.

He was embarrassed to see that his pre-cum had created an evident wet patch on his white pants, the angry red of his penis's head easily discernible through the transparent spot, but he soon forgot those negative feelings when Itachi took the hot flesh into his fist, the initial pumping of his closed palm against the thick vein pulsating beneath his cock sending his mind into idyllic oblivion.

Stars burst forth behind his closed lids, which fluttered animatedly at the rhythmic stroking around his distended erection, and as the pace increased, so too did the movement in Sasuke's hips.

They jerked when Itachi squeezed the enflamed appendage with brutal force, and were left with residual spasms when his closed fist encircled his weeping head, thumb tracing over the throbbing opening, before his pinkie finger sunk into the shallow depths, a pleasurable sting causing him to jolt forward into his surging hand, the tempo varying between hard and fast, and soft and slow.

He was so very close, the lurching in his dick and the tightening of his sac indicating as much, but just as he was about to climax, a monstrous cramp tore through his lower stomach, enough pain to cripple him had he been standing.

It was Itachi's mistake to have pounced when Sasuke had chronic diarrhoea. It was Itachi's mistake to have felt him up when he was obviously indisposed.

It was also Itachi's mistake to have forced him to orgasm in his current state of health.

With a relaxed person, and lowered inhibitions, Sasuke had lost all control of his physical reactions, and with his orgasm came a terrible, terrible price.

He could not make it to the bathroom, even if he tried, and nor could he withhold his body's natural reactions to such a volatile climax; with a tumultuous tremor, his ejaculation spilled forth into Itachi's waiting palm, staining his cotton slacks until the sticky liquid bled through the delicate fabric, alongside the violent, unexpected tidal wave of excrement that flooded from his burning ass hole, the resounding _'SPLAT!'_ rendering all silent as it made contact with the back of Sasuke's thighs and pyjama bottoms.

Itachi cringed from the foul, putrid smell that suddenly wafted into his waiting nostrils, whilst Sasuke lay immobile and completely, wholly and abjectly mortified at his inability to control his base bodily functions, the elder man's hand still firmly grasping the younger's now completely flaccid cock (most probably from the added shock of what had just transpired in the course of the past thirty seconds, no doubt) in an almost comical manner, his eyes impossibly wide as he tried in vain to stop the wretched gagging noise that squeaked its way out of his tightly wound throat.

Neither of them could suppress their astounded internal horror to the latest development, which could hardly be called kinky by any means.

_**'OHFUCKINGJESUS, HE JUST SHAT HIMSELF!'**_

**'OHFUCKINGJESUS, I JUST SHAT MYSELF!'**

Heedless to say, Itachi was never again turned on by the weakened, brutally-sick-with-a-severe-case-of-chronic-diarrhoea little brother, and he made a point to reminisce on that very same occurrence (upon which he had to unfortunately held clean up, getting shit on himself all the while—he very nearly burned his own flesh off when the rancid crap made contact with his exposed skin) whenever he felt the need to pounce on his weakened, brutally-sick-with-a-severe-case-of-chronic-diarrhoea little brother in future.

And nor could he even _contemplate_ sticking his own dick up Sasuke's rectum after that disgusting escapade upon which he wished he could forget, but could not seeing as he had to **CLEAN IT UP HIMSELF**, and so he left the ass-fucking to Sasuke instead.

Of course, he _refused_ to surface from his room for weeks after that, claiming to have worsened just so that he could avoid the unwanted confrontation with his mother (and of course his brother), and it got to the point where Itachi was forced to man up and go get some for himself, seeing as Sasuke was unwilling to oblige or humour his libido and explosive needs without applicable force.

Sasuke's ass was never the same again.

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**Ending Remark:** _This is __**exactly**__ why sex of any kind is a no-no when you have chronic diarrhoea. Consider this my warning to you, should you feel __**adventurous**__._

_It isn't pretty, really._

_And this is my revenge for Sasuke-kun not being there to nurse me back to health after being sick with this for weeks, buahahahaha! Happy Birthday, my love! ;)_

_Please leave a review! It would make our birthday very special! (:_

_**~R**__i_n


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